The Story of My Voice

Sometimes, it feels like exploring my voice and my expression has been a main mission of my life. When I look back in my life, I realize those important life events that impacted me, has mostly to do with singing.

I learned classical opera singing as a kid, then several choirs, vocal groups, musical theatre as I grew up. With these experiences, I could have been confident to sing in front of people and be on stage.

But…that’s not the case. Something happened in my childhood that wounded my vocal expression. And I could clearly remember when that happened.

The Moment I Stopped Believing in My Voice

As far as I could remember, I love to sing. I remembered a moment in the kindergarten, when we were all dancing with a song as a morning routine, I was singing along, and felt my voice unified with the music, as if I was one with the music.

My parents put me into a music talent class when I was in junior high school. (Not like in Germany, in Taiwan we stay in the class with same classmates for all lessons, and the music talent class is a class especially for learning music). They thought there would be better learning resources for me, but they didn’t know I would love singing and music that much. I had my first singing teacher there, and every lesson felt already like a therapeutic session for me. I cried, I sang, I bumped into my shame…but I enjoyed so much singing on stage. I was confident. On top of that, I made deep friendships with my musical classmates.

As I was about to enter the last year of junior high school, one day my mom told me, she wanted me to leave the music talent class. I was shocked and confused. ‘‘Why??’’ I asked.

‘‘ Learning music is not a promising path. You wont get a stable job when you grow up.’’

I was angry, hurt and sad, because I was so happy in that class, and because I loved to sing so much. But it felt like my parents didn’t care and value it. I had no idea my mother didn’t really want me to develop my music skills.

So, I was forced out of the music class, and I entered another class for high performing students with other ‘‘normal’’ subjects like Chinese, History, Math, Biology, etc. I felt no connection with my classmates, only competition. However, there was still a music lesson once per week. Once for the final exam, we all had to perform in front of everyone a music piece. I decided to sing, and I thought it would be a piece of cake for me.

Then that moment came, when I stood in front of my classmates. My heart started to raise, my face started to tremble. I had no idea what happened to me, but I felt so scared, so embarrassed, and wanted to hide myself. With trembling voice, I sang the song to the end, but with all muscles on my face trembling, like they wanted to cry.

That was the first moment when I stopped believing in my voice.

After that, I still acknowledged my passion to sing, by joining student choirs, other choirs, taking singing lessons, etc. But many harsh voices started to grow in me, saying ‘‘My voice is not good enough’’, ‘‘It is too late to be a singer’’, ‘who do you think you are, that people wants to listen to you?’’… Especially, when I had to sing alone in front of people, I felt so nervous that I would never sound as ‘‘good’’ as I sing completely alone. And that made me feel so ashamed.

Start to believe again in my voice

My life journey brought me to Germany 3 years ago, and my courage to explore my voice was rekindled. I sang in a few culture festivals, but I still noticed how trembling and tight my voice was when I sing. I got so frustrated sometimes and had a shame break-down.

‘‘Who do you think you are?’’ Shame said again…

After I started going deeper into sound healing training and practice, I started to be conscious of all these inner critical voices, and really contemplate on why fear was constantly there, when I sang in front of people. The more I wanted to control it or get rid of it, the more it stayed.

A healing friend invited me to do a ritual walk in the forest, and I had a chance to focus on fear in my expression. In this experience, I had a personal epiphany:

‘‘Fear is a beautiful expression too.’’

All emotions are valid and are born to be expressed. And they should be a part of the expression. After I realized this, I no longer punish myself or feel bad, when fear wants to be expressed through me. It is a common feeling that is shared among human beings. I learn to own the frequency of fear. It is not good or beautiful voice that touch people’s heart, but authenticity.

Of course, I am still exploring how to come closer to my authentic expression. It takes patience and much practice, and kindness to myself. Although I am still on the way, I have already noticed changes in my voice timbre, in how I communicate, and the way I sing. I am not learning any more vocal skills, just finding ways to unravel what is already inside of me.

So..what is the story of your voice?